Becoming unbotherable.
That was my goal during my divorce, only I used a less PG word for it.
What did I really want? To experience more authority in my life, less reactivity, less concern about other people’s opinions, and to feel more solid and confident in myself, regardless of circumstances. In other words, to refine my inner world so that I could live truly as I desired.
In somatic terms, we would refer to this as a regulated nervous system, one of the great secrets to a happy earth experience!
What was the thing that helped me the most during this time?
Remembering my core belief that in every life experience, there is both challenge and support, or more simply put, good things and bad things. Meaning that nothing is all good and nothing is all bad.
Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of Wow, this is amazing. Or,
shoot, I have to deal with that? It means that I don’t get entangled with them or determine how I feel simply because of how something appears.
Human life, in many ways, is a paradox.
I was pondering this this morning, while sipping my coffee on a client’s terrace in the West Village in New York City. As I watched the leaves flutter and the dew drops glisten, bathing in the utter peacefulness and beauty, there were also sirens and loud voices in the street.
One could complain about the noise in the street and how it interrupts one’s peace, or we can know that these two things coexist and we get to choose where to place our energy and attention. Two choices and two very different ways to begin one’s day.
Last week, in LA, I had some unexpected and, yes, very uncomfortable dental work that caused me to extend my trip. During my extra time there, I was offered a new piece of work that I’m very excited about, that I doubt would have come about without me having been physically in front of the person who offered me the role.
During my time of dissolving my marriage,I had many opportunities
to choose the labeling of bad vs good. In fact, I realized this was how we are encouraged to divorce – one person is labeled bad while the other must be good.
I chose to see both behaviors in each of us, because it was true. Were there times that I was tempted to throw this approach to the side and shout, Look at these terrible horrible very bad things. Of course there were. However, that was not who I wanted to become.
As I reflect on those times, I can find appreciation for the truly hard times because of the joy and connection that I was able to find, and mostly what those challenges had me become.
Because without them, I doubt that I would have become the person I am today, living in the mountains with someone who makes me laugh, challenges me while loving me in ways that I’ve never been loved.
I was reminded of this this morning when M sent me a photo of my very first dahlia ever in my life being in bloom, even though the people who know flowers told me that I planted them too late!
Now I’m not saying I’m 100% unbotherable, or that I never react to anything.
That doesn’t even feel real.
Yet living in a lane where I rarely react to criticism, judgment or many challenges, that has become a game changer.
Reactivity is mostly a pattern that gets lodged in our nervous system, a knee jerk response based on past experience.
And when we clean out the residue of the past, keeping only the parts that serve us, reactivity is no longer needed.
Love + magic,
Amber